That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
