I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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