i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
