I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my shit smells like andre
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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