It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
