oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize