I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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