I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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