you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
