she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
