FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
