I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
