Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You made out with two different species that night
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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