"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize