His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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