on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
