Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize