What a fucking waste of an outfit
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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