I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
