the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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