Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
