I will die if light touches me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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