Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
