Your face is a jimmy john
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
