Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
