I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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