I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
