woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
