i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
