I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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