I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
