i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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