I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
