the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
