we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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