Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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