Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
