U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Vodka?
Forever.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
