this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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