i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
