On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
