Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
