Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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