so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize