What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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