matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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