Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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