Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
