The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
