I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
organizing the empties. That sober.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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