I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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