I faked an abortion last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
