She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
