Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
