Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
