I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
