Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
