my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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